And Promises to Keep

It is common for family members to make promises to loved ones about their future care. The most common promise is that they won't ever move a loved one to a nursing home. Other promises may include keeping their parents together if one of them needs care, or that they will always be the ones to provide care for their aging relative. These promises are almost always made in good faith, with full intention of honoring them.

Unfortunately, we can't always foresee the future and circumstances change. Almost always, this leads to enormous guilt about the inability to uphold the promises. I would encourage you not to make promises of this type, no matter how well intentioned. Instead, promise your aging relatives they will always be provided with the very best care for their needs at the time. This type of promise assures them you are looking out for their needs, and is less likely to cause guilt and resentment on your part when the time comes.

To Be or Not To Be...Guilty, that is

Living thousands or even hundreds of miles from your elderly parents can be like living on another planet. Independence is of primary importance with many older people. . So much so, they may not tell you over the telephone when something is wrong. Unless you are very good at detecting small changes in their voices or noticing a change in schedule and other deviations in their daily lives, parents can fool their family into believing all is well.

Why would they do that? Most say they just don't want the kids to worry. They know it is hard for the family member to drop everything to get to them and expensive to boot! But do they recognize the guilt their children experience at not being there for Mom and Dad? Could be another very good reason for not telling them. If they don't know, how can they feel guilty? Too bad it doesn't work that way.

I know myself that in the days when I was a long distance caregiver, the feeling of guilt because I could not be there got overwhelming at times. Part of that, too, was because I could not find services available for help at their home. Fortunately, times have changed and even in their small town, services have increased. The Administration on Aging is responsible for a website called Eldercare Locator. Eldercare Locator is a resource for state and local agencies that could be the answer to your prayers. The office can be reached by telephone as well at 800.677.1116.
I'll be discussing more on where to go for assistance in subsequent posts. In the meantime, be good to yourself. Guilt only wears you down.