The Cat, Not Me!

Recently, I am not only caring for elderly parents but an elderly cat as well. I can say one thing for the parents, at least they can talk to me so that I can understand!

Our almost 20 year-old cat has been missing the litter box lately. Not only was a tropical storm approaching, but the cat had an appointment with the vet! Fun times. Luckily, the appointment was for Saturday afternoon when "daddy" could hold her...she's a one man cat you know. Other then kidney problems with old age, she is doing remarkably well. No diabetes, no bladder infection. As with other seniors, she is simply getting older. Incontinence is a problem with humans and animals in old age.

Hope I don't see you there.

Kids Out, Parents In

Several things have been going on in my world that interfered with the writing of this blog. I hope to be back on track from now on and bring you up to speed with the aging news as I see it.
It seems more aging parents are moving in with their adult children than ever before. The Orange County Register reported that a study begun in 1997 by a UC Irvine professor, show that economic conditions are a catalyst for combining households as baby boomers retire. John L Graham, a marketing and international business professor,says the pension and healthcare systems are falling apart. You can read more on Professor Graham's work at www.ocregister.com.

Keep the Faith

As each day goes by, I think about what options we have if my mother's health declines or just what the best living arrangement is for her. Wealthy aging parents in good health don't pose such a problem...not that mother is a problem. But things need to be seen as they are. Reality is often hard to swallow.

In my mind, I have planned for everything. Financially, we are limited to the size of our home or what we can afford for long term care, should that become necessary.
We don't talk about it all the time, but several times, Mom has voiced her greatest fear, that of running out of money. This is typical of the elderly, but I try to reassure her that as long as I am livng, she will be cared for.
Like many others, my faith keeps me strong.

Privacy Please

Mom has always been a stoic person. It seemed to me growing up that she never showed a lot of emotion. I've realized in later years she felt many things but didn't verbalize her feelings. Now, I'm not trying to be a shrink, but, it's only natural to try to figure out what makes your own mother tick. Especially when it helps to understand yourself!

I have definite privacy issues. By that, I mean that what I choose to share with others, I feel is my decision. Now I know where that comes from! My mother is a very private person. Traits that I mistook for lack of emotion or uncaring, weren't that at all. Where the older generation kept "unsavory" family happenings to themselves, succeeding generations discuss these failings more openly. I'm not saying that I agree with the changes in society or that acceptance of these ideals is better than those of our parents generation. I do think talking about the problems of the day, such as caring for aging parents, is a constructive way to ending suffering and guilt particularly, that goes along with caregiving.

Family & Friends of the Wandering

As more older adults develop dementia and alzheimers, wandering becomes a big issue for caregivers. But, families and friends of the aging can take heart as a program started to help locate missing children is now being used successfully for aging seniors prone to wandering or confusion.

According to the Journal Times, the SafeAssured ID kits are being issued to grown children for their aging parents as a resource to locate them as quickly as possible should they wander off. The kit includes fingerprints, a picture, contact information, and images of the person walking and talking for better identification.

Weekend Plans

Holidays have become a little more difficult around our house in recent years. Like everyone else, we look forward to an extra day or so off from work and maybe even a chance to sneak out of town for an extended weekend.

With three elderly parents needing our attention more and more, long weekends are almost a thing of the past. Almost. Call us crazy, but we're trying to plan some time away over the Memorial Day holiday...and we may be taking two of the three with us.

When the subject of getting away first came up, I was ready! My husband has time coming from his job and we haven't spent much time away, just the two of us. Going to the mountains is the perfect getaway for us. A little bit of a drive, but when you live by the ocean, going to the mountains is having the best of both worlds.

At 88 and 89, my husband's parents no longer have much desire to travel. We thought this might possibly be a "last" trip of this nature, where we could combine an outing for them and invite the other siblings to see their folks at the same time. The details aren't planned yet, and I may be getting ahead of myself because we're not certain it will work out. I'll keep you posted!

Caregivers - United in Purpose

This blog's namesake, Family & Friends of the Aging (FFAI), is a non-profit 501(3)C corporation. My dream is to reach caregivers of the aging all over the world. I understand the sacrifices and concerns many of you face. Yet, there are things we could teach each other and help millions more to understand.

I'm working on the website for FFAI and hope to have it published in a few weeks. I'd love to hear from you about your experiences in caregiving. But most of all, I want to hear about YOU. How you became the caregiver, how you feel both physically and emotionally, what you do to relieve stress,and how you are planning for your own "golden years".

At the risk of sounding corney, we are all in this together. Thus, the tagline for FFAI, "United in Purpose". I truly believe we are.

UPDATE:
As caregiver to an aging parent, one of the avenues I've been exploring is a way to make money online. This would allow me the flexibility to be available when my mother needs me as well as provide the income that I need for my family. So far, my research has uncovered the typical "get rich schemes", as well as some interesting learning possibilities for online marketing. One thing they can't guarantee is making money from pursuing your passion.

Loneliness

One of the downsides of moving a parent close to you from another state is the loneliness they experience. Take my mother, for example.

She left the area she'd lived in all her life. Nurse retirees who kept in touch. The church friends from 50 years plus. For two years now, she's been in a condo less than half a mile from me. We talk every day, and I see her at her place or mine at least four days a week. She attends church and Sunday school, some ladies luncheons through the church, but she has no one to just "talk" to. No one to call here and say, "can you come for coffee". No one to drop in to visit but me.

She is lonely. It's evident in the way she talks and she has even said so once or twice. I keep searching for groups or places I can take her. Even so, it must be hard to make new friends at 85. I'm all she has.

Health Pro Shortage

By 2030, one in every five adults will be age 65 or older. Right now, between 30 million and 50 million family, friends and others tend to aging parents and other older individuals. We, as Americans, are facing an impending crisis as the growing number of older patients, who are living longer and face more complex health care needs, outpaces the health care providers capable of treating them.

With a health care work force too small and unprepared for the deluge to come, training for the basics in geriatric care for every provider (not just specialists) and direct care providers, is desperately needed to fill the expanding void. Family and informal caregivers need more preparation and information to ease the stress that comes with caring for loved ones.

The solutions to the problem won't happen over night. Planning is still the answer and I encourage you to do just that.

Change for Working Women

Several provocative questions were raised in an article by Terry Neese on Examiner.com. I particularly liked her opening statement. "Women have brains and are looking for a president whose agenda will address real issues in the real world." Titled "5 Reforms for 21st Century Women", Neese takes a look at what our government does for the working woman and her commentary of what it should be doing.

Today's American women need policy change that provides solutions for women juggling child care, aging parents and economic conditions. The benefits allotted to full time workers seem to win out over part time workers. Go to www.examiner.com for more on this subject.

Look Who's Moving In

More baby boomers are preparing to care for their aging parents by remodeling their living accommodations. According to the Atlanta Journal Constitution, boomers are remodeling or building new homes to accommodate parents now or in the future. From efficiency apartments to entire suites with elevator access, children of aging parents are accepting responsibility in providing a suitable living arrangement for their family.

Not all adult children can or will accept the additional financial burden to the budget. And this is acceptable but should be discussed between the family members BEFORE the need occurs. If children remain at home, they should be considered in the equation and not be expected to shoulder a major portion of care for the elderly family member. Privacy for all is an important component. No matter what age, children should, however, be expected to contribute their share to household maintenance as usual, and, in my opinion, companionship to the grandparent on a regular basis should be STRONGLY encouraged.

This type of living arrangement is not for every family. But more American caregivers are finding it may be the only realistic way to provide care for their aging parents.

Daughter Needed

I've not always responded well when abuse of the elderly or neglect by adult children has appeared in our news. I and many others are encouraging adult children to plan with their parents how and where they will age. As the number of our elderly increase, care by the children and other family members, not neglect, is growing in the United States despite the distances between the family. And I'm proud of that fact.

In a recent Newsweek edition, I read an article on the aging population in China. Many, through no fault of their own, have been left to age alone and lonely. The sons, so prized for many years, have gone off to other countries to find work and improve their lives. Most families in China had been limited to one child. And like the elderly in our own country, they prefer to remain at home. But now, they are wishing for daughters.

Daughters most often are the ones who care for the aging parents. In China where a couple do not have a natural daughter, they are advertising for one! It seems it is still considered shameful to go into a nursing home, even if one is available. The government is working on a system of care, so the article says. But it could be a while putting a system in place. In a country with as great a population as China, I hope the elderly find a daughter to "adopt" and receive the care and love they deserve.

What is Long Distance Caregving?

Long-distance caregiving takes many forms—from helping manage the money to arranging for in-home care; from providing respite care for a primary caregiver to helping a parent move to a new home or facility. Many long-distance caregivers act as information coordinators, helping aging parents understand the confusing maze of home health aides, insurance benefits, and durable medical equipment.

Caregiving is often a long-term task. What may start out as an occasional social phone call to share family news can eventually turn into regular phone calls about managing health insurance claims, getting medical information, and arranging for respite services. What begins as a monthly trip to check on Mom may turn into a larger project to move her to a nursing facility close to your home.

If you are a long-distance caregiver, you are not alone. Approximately 7 million adults are long-distance caregivers, mostly caring for aging parents who live an hour or more away. Historically, caregivers have been primarily mid-life, working women who have other family responsibilities. That’s changing. More and more men are becoming caregivers; in fact, men now represent over 40 percent of caregivers. Clearly, anyone, anywhere can be a long-distance caregiver. Gender, income, age, social status, employment—none of these prevent you from taking on caregiving responsibilities.

Retirement Planning for Caregivers

The number of caregivers in the United States is growing daily. And guess what folks? Most of the caregivers are themselves approaching retirement age. Yes, that's right. We are the Baby Boomers the media talk about.

How many caregivers have plans for their "golden years"? Retirement planning is more than travel plans and how much money is in our 401K. While these are important issues, caring for an aging parent should be a clear reminder to get several important documents in order for ourselves. A Power of Attorney, Living Will, Healthcare Power of Attorney and personal Will are what immediately come to mind. If you already have them in place, make certain they have been updated in keeping with important events in our lives. This would be births, deaths, divorces, remarriages, and job changes to name a few. In addition to your attorney, talk with your accountant or financial advisor if you have one. Tax strategies can change as we reach retirement and tax brackets adjust.

Now is the time to take a serious look at long term care insurance to see if it is right for you. As with any insurance, the time to purchase it is when you don't need it. Once you do, it's too late. Also, check with your insurance advisor to update beneficiaries if necessary.

So, fellow caregivers, I hope I've put a bug in your ear to get busy and begin getting your house in order. And to those who are way ahead of the game, Kudos!

Now We Wait

This morning was my mother's monthly appointment to check the levels of blood thinner in her system. Until recently, I took her for this blood work every week and her medications were adjusted each time as necessary. Her new doctor felt that was excessive and told her he didn't do things that way. Needless to say, the new schedule made ME happy, so long as it was good for Mom.

This appointment was also the first time she had been back to her primary care physician since the last visit to Memory Care. I spoke of this in my post Let's Face It...Who Likes Exercise? as exercise was one of the things suggested to keep the brain functioning better for longer. No one can be really certain they have the beginnings of Alzheimers disease, but the doctor at Memory Care felt there was enough concern from the initial testing that Mom should go ahead with the full battery of tests, including an MRI. If she wanted to. And up to today, she wanted to! According to Mom, she "just didn't want to say anything about it right now".

So now we wait. I hope I'll be ready to hear the verdict when she finally is ready. In the meantime, lots of exercise to do!

The Times of Your Life

Ahhh...Valentine's Day. Just the name conjures up visions of roses and candy, romantic dinners and love is in the air. What better time to change the focus from all that needs to be done for your aging parents to all the ways to express your love for them?

Time is fleeting, and while it is a scarce commodity for you, it is even scarcer for your parents. You don't have to spend a lot of money to show your love for them. Spend some time with them. Create lasting moments to remember with photos, a hug, and a sincere "I love you".

I'm sure I sound like a Kodak ad, but these are the times of your life. Will you remember?

The 40-70 Rule

I was happy to see in the Port Clinton News where a national company has started a campaign urging adult children to initiate conversation with their older parents about the "delicate" issues. By delicate, I mean when to stop driving, and money, among others.

Home Instead Senior Care has called its public education campaign the "40-70 Rule". If you are 40 and your parent is 70, it's time to begin the conversation on their wishes as they age. As I wrote in my post Never Too Soon To Plan, this is not always easy. Parents don't always want to discuss sensitive issues with their children. Some may not see their children as adults and that is a big hurdle to get past. On the other hand, many adult children don't want to get involved early and find themselves in crisis mode when they must be involved.

The Home Instead campaign has a "40-70 Rule" guide they will give you for free. According to the arcticle in The Port Clinton News, the guide provides many tips and conversation starters to help break the conversation barrier. You can pick one up at your local Home Instead Senior Care office or call 877.733.5050. You can also visit online at www.4070talk.com.

Let's Face it. Who Likes Exercise?

Today was a little unnerving. I took my mother for a follow up visit to a memory care specialist. She has some issues going on that have given us both concerns over just what this is. Or could be. The specialist apparently has a few "concerns" as well, nothing concrete but suggests she go ahead with the full battery of tests to see if it could confirm that the big "A" is coming on. I've been reading some on the brain and alzheimer's as well as other forms of dementia. Studies have shown that exercise, physical as well as mental, can help in postponing the progression of the disease. So what's on my mind now is how to encourage an 84 year old woman with bad knees to exercise. In her case, walking is best. Fortunately, we live in a state where bad weather is not an issue. Motivation is. Not just my mother but me! Let's face it. Who really likes to exercise? We're told it's good for just about everything. It's time to find out.

Coping with a job and the needs of aging parents

Being a caregiver isn’t easy, as any of us can tell you. One of the greatest pressures is the need to be earning an income for our own family just as our parents or other aging relatives need more and more hands-on help.

At Family & Friends of the Aging, we’re compiling opportunities for flexible or alternative-type jobs that will allow a caregiver to continue earning an income while caring for his or her own aging family members.

Here’s one idea that may help you meet both of those objectives. If there isn’t an adult day care in your area, consider starting one. There could be many benefits to you and the seniors who attend, as well as to your own aging parents.

Check out this suggestion, and be sure to share with us how you cope with the pressures of a job AND caring for the elders in your family.

http://www.positivemoneyideas.com/idea.php?ideaID=465&moneymakingidea=Adult-Day-Care

A closer look at Mom and Dad

How the holidays have changed for those of us whose aging parents live more than a thousand miles away.

Although I talk with my own mom nearly every day by phone, there’s nothing like a personal visit to give me the real picture of just how she’s doing—how forgetful she’s becoming, how she’s getting along physically.

The Lawrenceville, Kansas Journal-World offers some excellent suggestions for children of aging parents, including how to recognize certain problems and what to say and do.

It’s difficult to be so far away from the ones you love and respect, and I’m fortunate that my sister, in the same town, is caregiver to my mother. It gives me peace of mind but doesn’t negate my own responsibility.

For now, that has pretty much become daily phone calls giving Mom a chance to talk as her physical limitations begin to impact how much she can socialize with others.

As we look ahead to a year of uncertainty, I can only say: Thanks, Sis, and happy New Year, Mom.

--Alene Archer, Board Member--Family & Friends of the Aging

http://www2.ljworld.com/news/2007/dec/24/gatherings_afford_chance_ensure_mom_dad_doing_ok/?city_local